Grief

I don’t understand how this shit works. My father is dying. That’s it. The long and short of it. How do I deal with this?

I have anger. Towards my sister, for bringing him back into our lives. He was gone for more than 10 years. His choice. How fair is it, for him to come back, when HE needs US? How is it fair, for her to expect me to take on part of the load? I said “No! Don’t allow him to come back into our lives!” I’ve made a great life for myself and my family. I have anger toward my mom, who took his abuse for so long, and let us, also. Angry at her for being weak. Angry at myself for feeling obligated to be a good daughter, regardless of the past. Angry that so many family members always expect me to be the strong one, angry that they know I’m being crushed by all of this, and yet they add to it.

I feel regret. Regret for things I’ve said and done, no matter how true and honest they were and remain. Regret that I let him come back into our lives. Regret about things I did not stand up for, regret for things I did stand up for. Regret for the relationships I let go of, because they were connected to him. Regret for how things could’ve been, if he could’ve been the husband, father, man that we deserved.

I feel powerless. Powerless. I have no control over anything. Right now, I’m hurtling through life, on the edge of…. I don’t even know what. Something. And I can’t stop it.